I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
