so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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