once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
