this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
