So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
