I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
