I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
