This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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