Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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