My hand turned me down
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
