Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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