Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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