her vagina looked like bernie madoff
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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