but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
