I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
What a dumb baby whore.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
