Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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