my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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