She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
