You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
