I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
