Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
