i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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