I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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