I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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