i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
