You can't special order awesome
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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