he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
