i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
