his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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