i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
