Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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