Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
