Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
