So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
