The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
