haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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