I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
