this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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