I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
