I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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