I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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