Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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