im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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