I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
