I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
