I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
