totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
