I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
