So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i love accidental penises.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
