I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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