you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
