How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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