Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
